Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: MAKE.TENURE.FAST
Originally From: demers@cs.ucsd.edu (David DeMers)
 
Dear Fellow Scientist:
 
This letter has been around the world at least seven times.  It has been
to many major conferences.  Now it has come to you.  It will bring you
good fortune.  This is true even if you don't believe it.  But you must
follow these instructions:
 
 -  include in your next journal article the citations below.
 -  remove the first citation from the list and add a
citation to your journal article at the bottom.
 -  make ten copies and send them to colleagues.
 
Within one year, you will be cited up to 10,000 times!  This will
amaze your fellow faculty, assure your promotion and improve
your sex life.  In addition, you will bring joy to many colleagues.
Do not break the reference loop, but send this letter on today.
 
Dr. H. received this letter and within a year after passing it on she
was elected to the National Academy of Sciences.  Prof. M.  threw this
letter away and was denied tenure.  In Japan, Dr.  I. received this
letter and put it aside.  His article for Trans. on Nephrology was
rejected.  He found the letter and passed it on, and his article was
published that year in the New England Journal of Medicine.  In the
Midwest, Prof. K. failed to pass on the letter, and in a budget cutback
his entire department was eliminated.  This could happen to you if you
break the chain of citations.
 
1. Miller, J. (1992).  Post-modern neo-cubism and the wave theory of
   light.  Journal of Cognitive Artifacts, 8, 113-117.
 
2. Johnson, S. (1991).  Micturition in the canid family: The
   irresistable pull of the hydrant.  Physics Quarterly, 33, 203-220.
 
3. Anderson, R. (1990).  Your place or mine?:  An empirical comparison of
   two models of human mating behavior.  Psychology Yesterday 12, 63-77.
 
4. David, E. (1994).  Modern Approaches to Chaotic Heuristic
   Optimization:  Means of Analyzing Non-Linear Intelligent Networks
   with Emergent Symbolic Structure.  (doctoral dissertation, University
   of California at Santa Royale El Camino del Rey Mar Vista by-the-sea).
 
5. Wuensch, K. L. (1981).  Progress report:  A comparative study of
   taste aversion learning in the medicinal leach (Hirudo medicinalis),
   the beef tapeworm (Taenia saginata), and the pubic louse (Phthirus
   pubis).  Joint Journal of Higher Research, 5(1): 16.
 
=============================================================================
 
From: bartlett@cattell.psych.upenn.edu (Thomas A. Bartlett)
 
From CONSCIOUSNESS EXPLAINED, by Daniel Dennett, p. 177
 
        "The juvenile sea squirt wanders through the sea searching
        for a suitable rock or hunk of coral to cling to and make
        its home for life.  For this task, it has a rudimentary
        nervous system.  When it finds its spot and takes root, it
        doesn't need its brain anymore so it eats it! (It's rather
        like getting tenure.)"
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But my physician told me I am not allowed to eat organ meat anymore, due to
my high cholesterol (brains are full of cholesterol), so I guess I'll have to
be the exception to this rule.  Karl W.
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To: tips@fre.fsu.umd.edu
From: "Todd.Nelson" <TDNELSON@msu.edu>
Subject: Why God never got TENURE
 
WHY GOD NEVER GOT TENURE:
 
1. Because He had only one major publication
2. And it was in Hebrew
3. And it had no references
4. And it wasn't published in a journal
5. And some even doubt that He wrote it Himself
6. It may be true that He created the universe, but what has He
    published/done since?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited
8. The scientific community has had a very tough time trying to
    replicate his results.
 
========================================================================
From: Donald McBurney <MCBURNEY@vms.cis.pitt.edu>
Subject: Re: Why God never got TENURE
To: TIPS@fre.fsu.umd.edu
 
More reasons why God never got tenure (from the same list--not original)
9.  He never applied to the IRB for approval to use human subjects
10.  When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover up by drowning the
subjects.
11.  When subjects didnt' behave as predicted, he deleted them from sample.
12.  He rarely came to class; just told students to read the book.
13.  Some say he had his son teach the class.
14.  he expelled the first two students for learning.
15.  Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his tests.
16.  His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.
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     My son, Sol, thought that "tenure" was "ten-year."  Since I was stuck
in a non-tenure-track slot for five years before converting to tenure-track,
he was right.  KLW.