Strange, but true:

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Excerpted from:
 
Rectal foreign bodies: Case reports and a comprehensive review of
the world's literature
 
D.B. Busch, Ph.D., M.D., and J.R. Starling, M.D.
 
in the journal Surgery, 1986.
 
                        Abstract
 
The surgical management of two patients presenting with
incarcerated, apparently self-inserted foreign bodies is
reported.  The large volume of prior literature on this subject is
reviewed, with a tabluation of 182 previous cases by type and
number of objects recovered and with a discussion of patients'
age distribution, history, complications, and prognosis.
Management problems addressed include history, differential
diagnosiss of reported pruitis ani, and handling of suspected
assault.
 
 
                        Case 1.
 
A 39-year-old married white male lawyer presented with a
self-inserted perfume bottle in his rectum that he was unable to
remove using various objects, including a back scratcher.  He had
inserted this bottle on previous occasions.  Edema of the rectum
and sigmoid colon precluded the successful manual removal of the
object in the emergency room. ... The 3 by 17 cm object, "Impulse
Body Spray," was removed manually after a spinal anesthetic.
 
 
        Table I.  Previously reported recovered foreign bodies
 
Glass or ceramic
  Bottle or jar                 31
  Bottle with attached rope     1
  Glass or cup                  12
  Light bulb                    7
  Tube                          6
  Total                         57
 
Food
  Apple                         1
  Banana                        2
  Carrot                        4
  Cucumber                      3
  Onion                         2
  Parsnip                       1
  Plantain (with condom)        1
  Potato                        1
  Salami                        1
  Turnip                        1
  Zucchini                      2
  Total                         19
 
Wooden
  Ax handle                     1
  Stick or broom handle         10
  Miscellaneous or unspecified  3
  Total                         14
 
Sexual device
  Vibrator                      23
  Dildo                         15
  Total                         38
 
Kitchen device
  Dull knife*                   1
  Ice pick                      1
  Knife sharpener               1
  Mortar pestle                 2
  Spatula (plastic)             1
  Spoon                         1
  Tin cup                       1
  Total                         8
 
Miscellaneous tools
  Candle                        1
  Flashlight                    2
  Iron rod                      1
  Pen                           2
  Rubber tube                   1
  Screwdriver                   1
  Toothbrush                    1
  Wire spring                   1
  Total                         10
 
Inflated device
  Balloon                       1
  Balloon attached to cylinder  1
  Condom                        1
  Total                         3
 
Ball
  Baseball                      2
  Tennis ball                   1
  Total                         3
 
Miscellaneous containers
  Baby powder can               1
  Candle box                    1
  Snuff box                     1
  Total                         3
 
Miscellaneous
  Bottle cap**                  1
  Cattle horn                   3
  Frozen pig's tail             1
  "Kangaroo tumor"***           1
  Plastic rod                   1
  Stone                         2
  Toothbrush holder             1
  Toothbrush package            1
  Whip handle                   2
  Total                         13
 
Grand total                     168 cases
 
Collections (one case of each)
2 Glass tubes
72 1/2 Jeweler's saw****
Oil can with potato stopper
Piece of wood, peanut**
Umbrella handle and enema tubing
2 Glasses
Phosohorous matchends (homicide)
402 Stones
Toolbox*****
2 Bars soap
Beer glass and preserving pot
Lemon and cold cream jar
2 Apples
Spectacles, suitcase key, tobacco pouch, and magazine
Total 14 collection, with approximately 500 objects
 
*     Patient complained of "knife-like pain"
**    Cannot exclude ingestion
***   Unique case of pedunculated perianal skin tumor habitually
      inserted into rectum
****  Multiple episodes of perirectal self-insertion
***** Inside a convict; contained saws and other items usable in
      escape attempts
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
From:    Robert Bragner <robertb@DORUK.COM.TR>
Subject: 50 ways to flame your gerbil. (Off to gays, gerbils)
 
This purportedly appeared in the LA Times:
-----------------------------------------------------------
"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying
to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe
Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski and his homosexual partner
Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a
felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed the cardboard tube up his
rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki
shouted out, 'Armageddon,' my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve
Raggot, but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a
match, thinking the light might attract him." At a hushed press conference, a
hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket
of intestinal gas and a flame shot out of the tube, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's
hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and
whiskers, which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the
intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball." Tomaszewski suffered
second-degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while
Farnum suffered first and second-degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal
tract.
 
(And you thought that the light at the end of the tunnel was just a muzzle
flash.)
 
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