This is an assortment of jokes from the HUMOR list at UGA ================================================================================ From: Maurizio Mariotti Subject: A thought on the Corporate structure An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels. Some monkeys are climbing up, some down. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes. ======================================================================= At an art exhibition, a couple was viewing a painting of three VERY naked, VERY black men sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on the ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a VERY PINK penis. While the couple was scratching their heads trying to figure this out, the artist walked by and noticed the couple's confusion? "Can I help you with this painting?" he asked. "Well, yes" said the gentleman. We were curious about this picture of the black men on the bench. Why is it that the man in the middle has a pink penis?" "Oh" said the artist? "I'm afraid you've misinterpreted the painting. The three men are not Africans, they're coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went home for lunch!" ======================================================================== A bus station is where a bus stops. > A train station is where a train stops. > On my desk I have a workstation........ _______________________________________________________ > Mistakes > A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila." > -- Mitch Ratliffe, _Technology Review_ April, 1992 --------- Dear Dr Ruth, I'm writing to tell you my problem, It seems I have been married to a sex maniac for the past 22 years. He makes love to me regardless of what I am doing; Ironing, Washing dishes, Sweeping, even doing E-Mail on AOL, etc. I would like to know if there is anything that ucnn hlp m wth nd f unothel gothsl ehj fpslth fjsl;s;;o{O} .lp sld mpskdli dlks; a;ld ;;' cinsely ous mdyl ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 5 Oct 1997 22:31:31 EDT From: "Karl L. Wuensch" Subject: Do what in the swimming pool "Gut Fahrt" reminded me that I often saw signs in Europe which were humorous if you took them to be English. One of the best was a sign we saw in the Italian speaking region of Switzerland. We had just visited a public toilet, and it was nearly as bad as those in Italy proper, and we were complaining about it when we saw a sign that read: Albergo Hotel Reber CON PISCINA SWIMMING POOL The message in caps seemed to us to be an invitation to urinate in their pool. ------------------------------ Baby Talk A little boy was going off to his first day of school. So, his mother told him that he couldn't talk like a baby anymore -- instead of "bow wow" say "dog", instead of "meow" say "cat", instead of "moo moo" say "cow" -- She asked him if he could do that? Yes, he replied, he could. So he goes off to school. When he gets home, the mother asks him how was school the first day. The little boy said it was great - "We played games, drew pictures and the teacher read us a story!" "Oh, what story did the teacher read to you??" "Winnie The Shit." ------------------------------ Hale-Bopp-inspired Bumper Sticker: SO MANY STUPID PEOPLE; SO FEW COMETS ------------------------------ If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong? ------------------------------ If the plural of mouse is mice, then is the plural of spouse spice? ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 13 Nov 1996 07:46:52 -0500 From: Robert C Oshinsky Subject: Men's Restroom Etiquette! (non-offensive) Men's Restroom Etiquette Men should ace this test ... women may have a little difficulty. There IS a code of "Restroom Etiquette" that MUST be followed. =============================================== The following is the urinal configuration in a sample men's room. An X above the number will indicate "in use." (Sample): | | | x | | | x | (Indicates that urinals 3 and 6 | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | are occupied.) ------------------------- You are to identify correctly, based on urinal etiquette, at which stall you are to stand. Good luck! -------------------- Easy Section -------------------- 1.) | | x | | x | | | (Urinals 2 and 4 occupied.) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | ------------------------- Your choice: ___ ----------------------------------------------------------------- Correct answer: 6 It's the ONLY one to go to and every guy instinctively knows this. =============================================== 2.) | x | | | | | | (Urinal 1 occupied.) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | ------------------------- Your choice: ___ ----------------------------------------------------------------- Correct answer: 6 Stall 5 is acceptable, but you run a greater risk of being next to someone who arrives later. =============================================== ------------------------- Kind of tricky Section: ------------------------- 3.) | | | | | | | (empty) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | -------------------------- Your choice: __ ----------------------------------------------------------------- Correct answer: 1 or 6 You are tacitly saying, "I don't want anyone next to me." =============================================== 4.) | | x | | x | | x | (2, 4 and 6 occupied) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | ------------------------- Your choice: ___ ----------------------------------------------------------------- Correct answer: 1 You're stuck being next to at least ONE guy, so you minimize the impact and get a wall on your left. NEVER go between TWO guys if you can help it. Exceptions to this are stadium restrooms where the herd thunders in. =============================================== ----------------------------------------------- Subtle, tricky, but important to know Section ----------------------------------------------- 5.) | | x | | | x | x | (2, 5 and 6 occupied) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | ------------------------- Your choice: __ ----------------------------------------------------------------- Correct answer: 4 Believe it or not, 1 and 3 "couples" you with the guy in stall 2. And we wouldn't want THAT now, would we? This differs from question 4 in such a subtle way that the nuances cannot be explained. Suffice to say, only we men would understand! =============================================== ----------------------------- VERY tricky indeed Section ----------------------------- 6..) | x | x | | | x | x | (1, 2, 5 and 6 occupied) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | ------------------------- Your choice: ___ ----------------------------------------------------------------- Correct answer: NONE! You go to the mirror and pretend to comb your hair or straighten a tie until the urinals "open up" a bit more. If you have to go REAL, REAL BAD, for god's sake! ... use a doored stall. =============================================== Other parts of the Unwritten Code of the Urinals: -- NO Talking, unless it's a good friend... but even then, keep it terse and unemotional. This ain't no clubhouse. -- I don't think I need to tell you, absolutely NO touching of anyone other than yourself. A touch of another's elbow is of the highest offense. -- NO Singing. Period. -- Glances are for purposes of acknowledgment only..."Yeah, I see you there. I will not look again". ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 13 Nov 1996 14:08:22 -0500 From: Cereal Killer Subject: feels like heaven but your living in hell It turns out that Heaven isn't above Hell, but rather, Heaven and Hell share the same plane and are separated only by a long wooden fence. One day, the Devil decides to throw this huge bash. Lots of bands perform with some of the biggest names, and the Damned start having a heck of a party. Toward the end of festivities, a big fireball fight breaks out and, sure enough, one lands on the fence and burns it down. God complains to the Devil and insists that the Devil rebuild the fence. The Devil says, "Sure, no problem. I've got all the union leaders over here as well as most of the building contractors." So, the fence is rebuilt but it's three feet to one side so that Hell has taken over three feet of Heaven. God is MAD. "If you don't move that fence back," yells God, "I'm gonna sue you." "Yeah, right," says the Devil. "Where are you gonna get a lawyer?" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Thu, 10 Oct 1996 08:16:44 +0100 From: Joe Clark Subject: dyslexia joke Did you know that dyslexia is an anagram for daily sex???? =============================================================================== Date: Sun, 19 Nov 1995 12:21:52 EST From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN Subject: Close encounter? A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hello's and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Dumbrowski." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Mon, 6 Nov 1995 13:14:59 -0600 From: "John M. Stevens" Subject: Good luck, Mr. Gorsky Forwarded from a friend from a CompuServe Forum. *********************************************************** When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One Small Step for Man, One Giant Leap for Mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks - usual COM traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian nor American space programs. Over the years, many people have questioned him as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant. On July 5, in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. He finally responded. It seems that Mr. Gorsky had died and so Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, Neil was playing baseball with his brother in the backyard. His brother hit a fly ball which landed in front of his neighbors' bedroom window. The neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorksy. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, he heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex? Oral sex you want? You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Thu, 5 Oct 1995 08:58:06 +0100 From: Mark Mostert Subject: Subject: Two Italian men talking Originally from:anthony.calderone@xilinx.com (Anthony Calderone) A bus stops and two obviously Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I pee twice. Then I come once more." "You foul-mouthed wop swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, cool down lady," said the man. "I was only tellin' my friend here how to spell Mississippi." ========================================================================= Date: Sun, 2 Apr 1995 03:53:22 -0400 From: Gwen Eckman Subject: Sex-and-Dating Police: Lastest Don'ts and Don'ts found on alt.sex DATING DON'TS AND DON'TS A Handy Checklist for the Politically Correct 90s Here, just in time for spring, is a list of things that are now against the rules, according to the the sex-and-dating police. Read -- and memorize -- this information to avoid lawsuits, dismissal from work, expulsion from school -- or worse! LIP-LICKING, TEETH-LICKING, AND PROVOCATIVE EATING. All these (and more) are on a list of "unacceptable gestures and behaviors" distributed at the University of Maryland at College Park. STANDING TOO CLOSE. Standing too close is one of a long list of "sexually harassing behaviors" that Susan Strauss and Pamela Espeland caution us "have been reported in U.S. high schools." (Others are MAKING "VERBAL COMMENTS ABOUT CLOTHING" and "WEARING AN OBSCENE HAT.") ATTENDING PERFORMANCES OF "ROMEO AND JULIET." London school official Jane Hardman-Brown refused to take her students to see "Romeo and Juliet" on the grounds that it was a "blatantly heterosexual love story." (It's not clear whether Hardman-Brown wants the play rewritten to celebrate alternative lifestyles, or would prefer to have it banned altogether.) EXCESSIVE EYE-CONTACT. University of Toronto chemistry professor Richard Hummel was recently prosecuted for "prolonged staring" at a female student. INSUFFICIENT EYE-CONTACT. A handbook published at Barnard College in New York warns male professors who fail to make sufficient eye-contact with their female students that their conduct is "contributing to a biased atmosphere in the classroom" which may cause women to "feel discouraged and/or physically threatened." RECEPTIVE NONINITIATION. If a woman makes a pass at her male boss, and her boss responds, he (not she) is guilty of sexual harassment, according to Hunter College professor Sue Rosenberg Zalk. Zalk's term for this underpublicized offense: "receptive noninitiation." FORGETTING A WOMAN'S NAME. A report issued by a committee at the University of Pennsylvania lists "women's names not remembered" as a pernicious form of sexual discrimination. PUBLIC DISPLAYS OF AFFECTION. The Minnesota Department of Education discourages "displays of affection in hallways" on the grounds that such displays "may offend others" and are "heterosexist." HAMBURGERS. Jeremy Rifkin, author of Beyond Beef, notes that "the statistics linking domestic violence and quarrels over beef are both revealing and compelling." SELF-DEPRECATING HUMOR. And finally this, from Robin Morgan, former editor of Ms.: If a man's "self-deprecating humor" leads a woman to initiate sex with him, then that man is -- in a "radical feminist" sense of the term -- guilty of assault. - -- Source: The Official Sexually Correct Dictionary and Dating Guide by Henry Beard and Christopher Cerf. ========================================================================= Date: Mon, 6 Mar 1995 08:26:12 -0500 From: "Aditya, The Hindu Skeptic" Subject: Offensive License Plates Michigan's Secretary of State is under fire for recalling a ``vanity'' auto license plate that was deemed offensive. The plate reads ``4 RU486'', a reference to the ``French'' abortion-inducing drug. Critics of the action point out that other vanity plates which could be considered offensive, such as CAL-GIRL, GSPOT, HORNY, HUMP, I124Q, JUGS and NADS, have not been recalled. Then there's Theresa Watt; she's had her name on her plate for 20 years: TWATT. A state spokeswoman said that 4 RU486 was recalled under the ``illegal activity or substance'' portion of the license plate law, but the critics retort that neither RU486 nor abortion is illegal. (AP) ...Nor is it illegal to be horny, to have a G-spot ========================================================================= PROFESSOR: Although in modern English the double negative is usually taken to mean an affirmative, in many linguistic contexts the double negative is an intensified negative, as the double affirmative is _always_ an intensified affirmative. There is no known case of a double affirmative being used as a negative. STUDENT: Yeah, right. ========================================================================= From: davidp@labtam.oz.au (David Purdue) Subject: Schoolroom Humour The following was told to me by a fellow Morris Man, who claims that it is true and that it was related to him by a teacher at Melbourne Grammar. The teacher has set the class an assignment. He stresses the importance of the particular assignment, and that no excuses will be accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family (with a note from that member). A smart-arse student pipes up: "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?" The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with: "Well, Jones, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand." ========================================================================= After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought, and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon to be created." "This is true," He replied. "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly. "What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the right to make his laws?" "Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to make his own." It was so granted. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" ========================================================================= INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY -- it is really an acronymn for: Interactive Network For Organizing, Retrieving, Manipulating, Accessing, and Transferring Information On National Systems, Unleashing Practically Every Rebellious Human Intelligence, Gratifying Hackers, Wiseasses, And Yahoos. ========================================================================