Here is the front end of the voice mail system at a mythical clinic:
 
"You have reached the Rountree Mental Clinic.  If you have touch-tone service,
please follow the instructions that follow.  If you still have a rotary phone
just hang up, you probably are too poor to afford our services.
 
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
 
If you are codependant, please ask someone to press 2.
 
If you have multiple personality disorder, please press 3, 4, 5, & 6.
 
If you are paranoid, we already know who you are and what you want.  Please
   stay on the line long enough for us to trace the call.
 
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully for the little voice to tell you
   which button to press.
 
If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press.  We don't
   care about a worthless slob like you and nobody will answer.
 
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware
   that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and
   about to bite off your ear.